NEVER BE WITHOUT A PADDLE

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Two Trees It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." ______________________________________________________                                                           FEMALE GEOGRAPHY   Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas. Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money. Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty. Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit. Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly  the only answer. Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors. Between 66    and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.   After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan    or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...                                                             MALE GEOGRAPHY Between 15 and  90, a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a dick...  ______________________________________________________                             SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT?   A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup   buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.   The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she gives him these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.   The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.   Obviously, the man was impressed.   The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.   Then…………………..     he married the one with the biggest boobs.     Men are like that, you know.       There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. ______________________________________________________                                                                 And Then....   A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'     The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.' The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss   with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a 6/9 Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'   So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.     The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'   'I have.' says the chap. 'And has she helped you to make the decision?' 'Yes, she has' he says.     'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.         'We're having a new kitchen.'